Denial

Denial

Back during my college days I took a transformative class that left a forever imprint on me when I was 18.

Death and Dying. The professor at the time was one of the most exuberant men I have ever met, especially for teaching such uncomfortable content.

Maybe it was my unnatural survival rate, my battle with depression, suicide ideation, but I’ve always been intrigued about death, the afterlife and what it all means.

I’m the type of person who finds peace at cemeteries when I need alone time.

So needless to say this class was perfect for me. One assignment we had to write was our own eulogies, morbid right?

How can you write something so meaningful when you’re only 18 and haven’t lived yet?

I wrote it from the perspective of my favorite sister-cousin because I’ve always known that children aren’t for me.

One thing I learned from the death and dying course is that it doesn’t have to be a morbid, depressing subject. More importantly, you realize that all of these emotions you’re not alone in feeling.

My first funeral I attended was when I was 17, of my great uncle.

One you experience your first funeral it seems like everyone you thought would live forever in your family dies.

Though I’ve experienced more funerals than wedding or baby celebrations, one thing I’ve learned from funerals is they all won’t devastate you.

Some will sadden you that your whole family dynamic won’t recover.

Others, like when my favorite aunt who was like a second mother to me, was the first death that made me contemplate a devastating loss.

She was truly my best friend. I always say I can’t remember the last time my smile was this wide.

My last memory of her alive while watching her third battle with cancer she would lose, was thinking, how could I live without her?

I was 29 when she passed. A difficult funeral to play without a doubt. I honestly haven’t found a bond that tight since.

It was my first time really dealing with heavy emotions of death.

The hollowness in your chest. Your mind becoming so blurred you don’t know what the next moment will look like.

If you’re not familiar with the stages of grief, they are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

There is no correct feeling once you experience a devastating loss.

There is no order to the stages. It’s different for everyone.

Denial is an interesting emotion. It will put you in a place of not believing the obvious.

I believe it is the heart’s way of protecting the rest of your soul before you can truly process what’s happened.

I’ve unfortunately played a lot more funerals and attended many since my aunt.

I remember months after the poem I needed to write to process this surmountable feeling came.

I performed it at an Open Mic in Boston and a respectable poet said it was one of the best poems I’ve ever written at the time.

He was probably right.

Your life changes once you experience that first heavy loss.

The funny thing is I’ve seen my aunt in complete strangers while shopping.

Heard her voice in these strangers.

If you knew my aunt, she had a gravel voice and a boisterous laugh that was immediately recognizable.

These moments were always unexpected.

It honestly still freaks me out and it’s proof to me of the afterlife.

Sometimes we miss our favorite people who left us so much, I believe when you see people who represent them in our world it means they miss us too.

Showing this picture to both my brother’s they both had the same reaction of shock I did.

I believe in ghosts. I’ve seen too many familiar faces to not believe.

The tragedy of losing those special people we have in our families who just get us, and accept us for who we are freely, naturally is such an indescribable gift.

She was my biggest supporter in everything I did. Any time I needed to vent, no matter how big or small she was my vault.

I believe we’re blessed with these people till they’re called Home.

The ache in my chest has subsided, it’s in little and big moments when I miss her most.

The sporadic drives we would take, I miss her even more with the doors of travel my poetry is opening for me because I know she wouldn’t hesitate to accompany.

I don’t know if we’re blessed again with bonds this deep once someone passes.

I can only continue to hope and pray they do, because we live too many moments without them.

That life can be heavy sometimes even in all of the big celebrations .

Here’s to hope and deeper connections and the ones who stay with us forever.

I don’t know if we’re blessed again with bonds this deep once someone passes.

I can only continue to hope and pray they do, we live so many moments you wish to share with them.

That life can be heavy sometimes even in all of the big celebrations.

Here’s to hope, deeper connections and to the ones we never forget.

Survived